going home

I'm getting everything ready to hit the road early tomorrow morning.  I can't wait for the fun times in the car with a good friend, uninterrupted knitting time, and lots of reading waiting to be done.  Maybe even some goofy Relient K singalongs.  I can't wait to see my family and spend some precious weeks at home with them.  I can't wait to do some photoshoots with my talented sisters and cook lots of new recipes with them.  I can't wait to see old church friends and pick up the threads of good friendships once more.  I can't wait to head back to a place that knows how winter is supposed  to feel [it was 70 degrees in Arkansas today!] and go sledding and for walks in the snow.   I'm going home.

p.s. -- I'm really enjoying the Virtual Advent Wreath over at The Rabbit Room blog -- one of Andrew Peterson's haunts.

christmas

"Every Christmas is still ‘a turning of the page’ until Jesus returns. Every December 25 marks another year that draws us closer to the fulfillment of the ages, that draws us closer to . . . home.

When we realize that Jesus is the answer to our deepest longing, even Christmas longings, each Advent brings us closer to his glorious return to earth. When we see him as he is, King of kings and Lord of lords, that will be ‘Christmas’ indeed!”

- Joni Eareckson Tada, “A Christmas Longing”

glassy

glass snowflake

[Originally uploaded by UNIFORM Studio]

fragile.

frail.

delicate.

growing stronger.

hope.

amazing hope

“Jesus, unlike the founder of any other major faith, holds out hope for ordinary human life. Our future is not an ethereal, impersonal form of consciousness. We will not float through the air, but rather will eat, embrace, sing, laugh, and dance in the kingdom of God, in degrees of power, glory, and joy that we can’t at present imagine.

Jesus will make the world our perfect home again. We will no longer be living ‘east of Eden,’ always wandering and never arriving. We will come, and the father will meet us and embrace us, and we will be brought into the feast.”

-Tim Keller

lately

Maybe it's time for something besides pithy quotes, eh?  [Not that my writing can ever match that of the people I quoted the past few weeks.]  I'm spending a chilly afternoon working on some of the final assignments of the semester.  Part of me wishes like crazy that I'd decided to just graduate and get out of Arkansas once and for all, but there's another small part that looks forward to one last semester with my church community with whom I'm so invested and with treasured friends that I'll miss so much one day.

I had a whirlwind Thanksgiving break this past weekend, driving up to Kansas City, then to Madison, Wisconsin for a few days with my mom's side of the family, and finally driving to Chicago for a night with my dad's side, before flying back down to Arkansas.  With all that car and airport time, I managed to knit a hat and finish the first three books in the Twilight series.  Yes, it's true.  After resisting all summer, thinking the books looked absolutely dumb, I finally caved and bought the first one.  That was Friday morning.  By Friday evening, I was dragging Lindsey out to go see the Twilight movie and making another Barnes & Noble stop to pick up books 2 & 3.  Escapist fluff was just the ticket for my mood.

I'm not much for book reviews, especially with so much school-related writing in the wings, but I enjoyed these reviews of the books from the Christ & Pop Culture website:

‘Twilight’: A Positive or Negative Influence for Teens?

‘New Moon’: Do Vampires Have Souls? And Other Pressing Questions

'Eclipse': No Cheap Grace, No Easy Love

'Breaking Dawn': Do We Want A Happy Ending?

I'm going to take some pictures of the latest completed knitting projects soon, so I can post them here.  I haven't picked up the camera in ages, and that's going to change once this paper is done.  Until then...

lowland

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, that I may know Thee indeed. Begin a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long. In Jesus' name. Amen."

- A.W. Tozer

what love is

"Oh, how many people today—even Christians—would murmur at Jesus for callously letting Lazarus die and putting him and Mary and Martha and others through the pain and misery of those days. And if people today saw that this was motivated by Jesus’ desire to magnify the glory of God, how many would call this harsh or unloving!  What this shows is how far above the glory of God most people value pain-free lives. For most people, love is whatever puts human value and human well-being at the center. So Jesus’ behavior is unintelligible to them.
But let us not tell Jesus what love is. Let us not instruct Him how He should love us and make us central. Let us learn from Jesus what love is and what our true well-being is. Love is doing whatever you need to do to help people see and savor the glory of God in Christ forever and ever. Love keeps God central. Because the soul was made for God. "

-John Piper, "Pierced by the Word"

quoted

“Jacob, where do you find the strength to carry on in life?”

“Life is often heavy only because we attempt to carry it,” said Jacob. “But I do find a strength in the ashes.”

“In the ashes?” asked Mr. Gold.

“Yes,” said Jacob, with a confirmation that seemed to have traveled a great distance.

“You see, Mr. Gold, each of us is alone. Each of us is in the great darkness of our ignorance. And, each of us is on a journey.

“In the process of our journey, we must bend to build a fire for light, and warmth, and food.

“But when our fingers tear at the ground, hoping to find the coals of another’s fire, what we often find is the ashes.

“And, in those ashes, which will not give us light or warmth, there may be sadness, but there is also testimony.

“Because these ashes tell us that somebody else has been in the night, somebody else has bent to build a fire, and somebody else has carried on.

“And that can be enough,  sometimes.”

-Noah benShea

amazing hope

1Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth,for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more.

2And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

3And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God.

4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."

5And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." Also he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."

Revelation 21:1-5

preaching [and singing] to myself

Caedmon’s Call – There Is A Reason
From the album – Overdressed

Late at night I wonder why
Sometimes I wonder why
Sometimes I'm so tired
I don't even try
Seems everything around me fails
But I hold on to the promise
That there is a reason

Chorus:
Late at night, the darkness makes it hard to see
The history of the saints who've gone in front of me
Through famine, plague and disbelief
His hand was still upon them
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

He makes all things good
He makes all things good
There's a time to live and a time to die
A time for wonder and to wonder why
Cause there is a reason
There is a reason

I believe in a God who sent His only son
To walk upon this world and give His life for us
With blood and tears on a long, dark night
We know that He believed
That there is a reason
There is a reason

Chorus:

For the lonely nights
And broken hearts
The widow's mite
In the rich man's hand
And the continent
Whose blood becomes a traitor

For the child afraid to close their eyes
The prayers that seem unanswered
There is a reason
There is a reason

~

I'm learning and slowly growing.  God is doing something, even though it's not clear why or how right now.  He is my infinitely good and wise Father, and I trust Him.

And I'm not going to listen to their blame and accusations.  I'm not going to read through that email again.  I'm not inadequate -- Christ in me is more than enough.

That is all.

it puffed up...

a little bit higher than I expected.  But was delicious, nonetheless.

[ come ye disconsolate ]

1.  I'm still listening to this song constantly.

2.  The ability to concentrate on school through all the emotion is still eluding me.

3.  All the deadlines are getting perilously close.  I could use prayer about that.

4.  I feel like I can't talk to anyone here about what I'm feeling.  The words are locked up pretty deeply and no one has taken enough time to stop and dig them out of me.

5.  I'm thankful that even when I don't have the strength to hold onto Him, my Father continues to hold me in His hand.

~

"Come, ye disconsolate, where’er ye languish,
Come to the Mercy-seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal."

shelter

In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I'll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe...

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here...

-Sandra McCracken

approaching God in our unworthiness

This post by John Piper challenged me this morning.  Here's an excerpt:

"This morning I began to pray, and felt unworthy to be talking to the Creator of the universe. It was a vague sense of unworthiness. So I told him so. Now what?

Nothing changed until I began to get specific about my sins. Crummy feelings can be useful if they lead to conviction for sins. Vague feelings of being a bad person are not very helpful. The fog of unworthiness needs to take shape into clear dark pillars of disobedience. Then you can point to them and repent and ask for forgiveness and take aim to blow them up.

So I began to call to mind the commands I frequently break. These are the ones that came to mind.

• Love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength. Not 95%, 100%. (Matthew 22:37)


• Love your neighbor as you love yourself. Be as eager for things to go well for him as you are for things to go well for you. (Matthew 22:39)


• Do all things without grumbling. No grumbling—inside or outside. (Philippians 2:14)


• Cast all your anxieties on him—so you are not being weighed down by it anymore. (1 Peter 5:7)


• Only say things that give grace to others—especially those closest to you. (Ephesians 4:29)


• Redeem the time. Don’t fritter or dawdle. (Ephesians 5:16)


• Set your mind on things that are above. Connect all your thoughts to Christ. (Colossians 3:2)


• Do not return evil for evil—like when your wife or daughter says something you don’t like. (1 Thessalonians 5:15)


• Rejoice always, and again I say rejoice. Always. If sorrowful, keep rejoicing. (Philippians 4:4; 2 Corinthians 6:10)


• Give thanks in all circumstances. All. All. All. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

So much for any pretensions to great holiness! I’m undone."

one sunday

berries

Originally uploaded by Norma*Iriz*

Laura came down to visit me this weekend. I really enjoyed being with her, just having someone that I can talk to without fear of rejection. [ God is so good to give me a loving family. ]  My sisters have grown so much more precious to me the past couple years -- if only it weren't after we had all started to leave home and go our own ways.

Anyway, we had a lovely time shopping, going to a real Starbucks [a big event, in my car-less, small town life], cooking together, and watching a scary action movie.  Talking about life and what we are learning.  The learning curve has never been so steep.  I'm not sure what to think about it all.

I've been meditating on 1 Corinthians 7:32-35 lately.  It says:

32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord.

33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit.

But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.

I want to learn how to concern myself primarily with living for the things of the Lord; how to practice holiness in my life.  It's going to be a long path, I'm sure.

[they ask and I tell them I'm doing fine.  the truth is, I'm fine at that moment, but not the next.  there are so many terrible moments in between. ]

descending theology: The Resurrection

by Mary Karr

From the far star points of his pinned extremities,

cold inched in—black ice and squid ink—

till the hung flesh was empty.

Lonely in that void even for pain,

he missed his splintered feet,

the human stare buried in his face.

He ached for two hands made of meat

he could reach to the end of.

In the corpse’s core, the stone fist

of his heart began to bang

on the stiff chest’s door, and breath spilled

back into that battered shape. Now

it’s your limbs he comes to fill, as warm water

shatters at birth, rivering every way.

Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal

Come, ye disconsolate, where'er ye languish,
Come to the Mercy-seat, fervently kneel.
Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish;
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal.

Joy of the desolate, Light of the straying,
Hope of the penitent, fadeless and pure;
Here speaks the Comforter, tenderly saying,
Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot cure.

Here see the Bread of Life; see waters flowing
Forth from the throne of God, pure from above.
Come to the feast of love; come, ever knowing
Earth has no sorrow but Heaven can remove.

by Thomas Moore, 1779-1852; Stanza 1, 2
by Thomas Hastings, 1784-1872; Stanza 3

from A Grief Observed

"Meanwhile, where is God? This is one of the most disquieting symptoms. When you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels — welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. There are no lights in the windows. It might be an empty house. Was it ever inhabited? It seemed so once. And that seeming was as strong as this. What can this mean? Why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?

I tried to put some of these thoughts to C. this afternoon. He reminded me that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ: 'Why hast thou forsaken me?' I know. Does that make it easier to understand?

Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.'

Our elders submitted and said, 'Thy will be done.' How often had bitter resentment been stifled through sheer terror and an act of love — yes, in every sense, an act — put on to hide the operation?

Of course it's easy enough to say that God seems absent at our greatest need because He is absent — non-existent. But then why does He seem so present when, to put it frankly, we don't ask for Him?"

-C.S. Lewis

()

"If this is only a test
I hope that I’m passing
Cause I’m losing steam
And I still want to trust You

Peace be still."

some secrets

fighting for joy

[from the Desiring God site]

1. Realize that authentic joy in God is a gift.

2. Realize that joy must be fought for relentlessly.

3. Resolve to attack all known sin in your life.

4. Learn the secret of gutsy guilt - how to fight like a justified sinner.

5. Realize that the battle is primarily a fight to see God for who he is.

6. Meditate on the Word of God day and night.

7. Pray earnestly and continually for open heart-eyes and an inclination for God.

8. Learn to preach to yourself rather than listen to yourself.

9. Spend time with God-saturated people who help you see God and fight the fight.

10. Be patient in the night of God's seeming absence.

11. Get the rest and exercise proper diet that your body was designed by God to have.

12. Make a proper use of God's revelation in nature.

13. Read great books about God and biographies of great saints.

14. Do the hard and loving thing for the sake of others (witness and mercy).

15. Get a global vision for the cause of Christ and pour yourself out for the unreached.

prayer

I've been listening to this sermon series -- Pray Like Jesus -- today.  Mark Driscoll is realistic about pain and life.  God is using these thoughts and the words of Christ to teach me how to talk to him honestly and rightly.

The Lord's Prayer

The Gethsemane Prayer

The High Priestly Prayer, Pt. 1

The High Priestly Prayer, Pt. 2

I'm learning that prayer is for changing my heart, not God's mind.  I'm learning that I cannot hide my brokenness and fear and pain from my Father.  And I'm learning how much He cares.

---

Today was far from easy.  I may be getting a little better at hiding my feelings when I'm around others, but I'm still breaking down as soon as I'm alone.  My roommate doesn't know what to say to me, so she says nothing.  No one really knows what to say...  Grieving is one of the loneliest things.

I talked to my mom and broke down to her while I confessed how scared I am about going away next semester.  I could just forget it all and graduate in December and go home to be with my family for awhile and get back on my feet slowly.  I'm afraid that going overseas this soon after everything will launch me into depression or another spiritual valley.  How will I know what to do?

" But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness...

Let not the flood sweep over me,
or the deep swallow me up,
or the pit close its mouth over me.

Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good;
according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Hide not your face from your servant;
for I am in distress; make haste to answer me."

weakness

"God will empty out all that thou hast before he will put his own into thee; he will first clean out thy granaries before he will fill them with the finest of the wheat. The river of God is full of water; but not one drop of it flows from earthly springs. God will have no strength used in his battles but the strength which he himself imparts. Are you mourning over your own weakness? Take courage, for there must be a consciousness of weakness before the Lord will give thee victory. Your emptiness is but the preparation for your being filled, and your casting down is but the making ready for your lifting up."

"When I am weak then am I strong,
Grace is my shield and Christ my song."

-C.H. Spurgeon

broken

"There are no steps to grief—there's no process to it, and closure is the myth of the century..."

I've learned a couple things in these days of searching for answers.  For one thing, Google doesn't have many.  Most people don't really share the pain of broken engagements with the world.  The only real, satisfactory answers I've gotten to this problem of pain have been from pastors.  In those first hours yesterday, I desperately threw myself at God.  But I can't keep that up at length -- and alternated the rest of the day between crying, reading, and writing.  I've been journaling alot on my own, but somehow blogging about things is cathartic in a different way.

I'm still not in a place where I can muster up much coherence, but perhaps you'll bear with my disjointed thoughts.

I went back to John Piper's article, "There is a Way to be Happy, Even in Sadness" this afternoon.  He makes some similar points to those Tim Keller makes in his sermon, "Praying Our Tears", which I listened to earlier.  I needed to hear the encouragement to invest the sorrow I feel in this time.  Not to hurry through it or try to "fix" it.  To take each feeling to my Father, knowing that He takes note of each tear and "puts them into his bottle [Psalm 56:8]".  He himself has experienced the full measure of sorrow and separation and anguish -- greater than anything I could ever feel -- and he is able to sympathize with me.  He understands the ache.

This hasn't been an easy day.  I had no choice but to be sucked back into classes and labs and acting like things were normal, while all the time I was hurting so desperately inside.  I didn't get enough time to be alone with the Lord in silence.  I lost my best friend on this earth Sunday night.  I've never felt this achingly, crushingly alone.

Pray for me, that I could walk through this time of grief hand in hand with my Father; that it would be profitable for my soul.  And pray for Matthew, that the Lord would comfort and keep him as well.

apathy and pain

Even if I had gotten my registration switched in time, I couldn't bring myself to care enough to vote today at this point.  Politics suddenly pale in importance when your life is ripped to shreds.  I know God promises to bind up the broken-hearted, but that doesn't mean healing is going to come easily or quickly.  He sees each tear.

beginning

Today is the beginning of who I am becoming.  It is also the day a part of me dies.  Almost two years with him.  My first love.  We thought it was God's will and that we could make it.  Life is alot harder and more painful and complicated than I have ever thought possible.  But I had to stop waffling, letting my emotions get dragged every-which-way by each conversation, each piece of advice.  I'm taking a stand for myself.  I'm going to figure out who I am and who I can be.  This is still the shock speaking, really.  But the words are no less true.  Pray for me.  and pray for him, too.

5

Lord, Thou Thyself art Love and only Thou;
Yet I who am not love would fain love Thee;
But Thou alone being Love canst furnish me
With that same love my heart is craving now.
Allow my plea! for if Thou disallow,
No second fountain can I find but Thee;
No second hope or help is left to me,
No second anything, but only Thou.
O Love accept, according my request;
O Love exhaust, fulfilling my desire:
Uphold me with the strength that cannot tire,
Nerve me to labor till Thou bid me rest,
Kindle my fire from Thine unkindled fire,
And charm the willing heart from out my breast.


6


We lack, yet cannot fix upon the lack:
Not this, nor that; yet somewhat, certainly.
We see the things we do not yearn to see
Around us: and what see we glancing back?
Lost hopes that leave our hearts upon the rack,
Hopes that were never ours yet seemed to be,
For which we steered on life's salt stormy sea
Braving the sunstroke and the frozen pack.
If thus to look behind is all in vain,
And all in vain to look to left or right,
Why face we not our future once again,
Launching with hardier hearts across the main,
Straining dim eyes to catch the invisible sight,
And strong to bear ourselves in patient pain?

- Christina Rossetti

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Winding Stairs

hiked here last thursday.

swam in the beautifully clear and cold stream water.

slipped on rocks and slid down waterfalls.

pure joy.

what happened at that moment?

"Life happened.  True, abundant life.  Life touched by a freedom and grace that those in the Old Testament only dreamed of.  See, the Resurrection—that moment when Jesus drew a breath in the dark of the tomb and his flesh and blood and bones reanimated—real flesh and bones, mind you—that moment changed the universe.  It was the climax of the long crescendo that marked the change of the song from minor to major.  Or from simple to complex.  Or from darkness to a spray of refracted light."

-Andrew Peterson

[a long way to go]

After such a wonderful evening of fellowship and sharing and friendship and warmth.

After talking for so long about how Satan attacks us when we're weakest.

After all the reading and praying and seeking and begging.

It only takes a moment, a few words, a feeling bubbling out from the unconscious depths of my heart.  Still alot of hurt down there...  it's going to be some time before I finish digging it all out and giving it to my Father.

I know my life can't be lived this way any longer. I can't contain things anymore...  need to let them go.

But He's the only one who can change me and change the habits of my poor, weak, hurting heart.

Lord, I need you.

woodland magic

[gallery]

I think mushrooms are so beautiful and just a little bit magical.  They remind me of Redwall-esque talking animals and fairy rings and Narnia and the love of God.  Because who else but a creative, beauty-loving God would create such gems of woodland perfection?

[ tonight ]

May I never lose the wonder,

The wonder of the cross.

May I see it like the first time

Standing as a sinner lost,

Undone by mercy and left speechless,

Watching wide eyed at the cost.

May I never lose the wonder,

The wonder of the cross.

hmm.

I've been experimenting with Polyvore in procrastinating thus far this semester.  Works like a charm.  My first creations:

woodland magic



hedgehog on my shoulder



Aren't they fun?  Almost as much satisfaction as actually buying the clothes and none of the cost!

on being "indie"

I enjoyed this article quite a bit. My favorite excerpt:

ree yourself from being defined by what you buy or do not buy. Define yourself by the things you cannot purchase: values, ethics, and what you actually do. Let your actions speak louder than your ironic message tee. Want to be truly independent from mainstream society?

-Use your free time to serve people, not numb your mind with entertainment.

-Be virtuous

-Be courteous

-Stop “finding yourself” and embrace commitment and responsibility

-Don’t wear outdoorsy apparel, go camping

-Don’t spend big bucks to look like you shop at a thrift store, actually shop at one

-Don’t be ironic and sarcastic, be sincerely passionate

-Don’t just buy clothes and cell phones that support a charity, become charitable

-Don’t just buy a political bumper sticker, get involved in politics

-Stop being a boy and man up

summer things

I'm not going to beat myself up about the long, long interval between the last post and this, since I don't really have much of a readership to miss me, for one thing, and this writing is more just a personal catharsis, for another.

Anyway, life has moved very fast since the beginning of May. Finishing my second-to-last semester of college, spending time with my family and working on wedding plans, flying out here to Baltimore for the summer, a new job, a new (temporary) home, lots of lovely time with my fiance... I'm so blessed, more than I could ever ask or think. My Father is far too good to me.

Summer is flying by too quickly: beach trip, strawberry picking, parties, new cities, swimming, sno-balls, playing with the kiddos. They're all flying by too quickly to be summed up by much more than lists -- and hopefully a few photos, once I buy my new Macbook and Photoshop.

I still miss my own family, though.

hurt + confusion

I just saw this conversation on a friend's blog:

"Me: I don't think I am leaving much of a mark on OBU.
Mom: You're not supposed to. You are supposed to let what you learned at OBU leave a mark on you so that you can go leave a mark on the world. So what would you rather do--leave a mark on Arkadelphia, or leave a mark on the world?"


She's right --- it's much too easy to forget that. And it's so hard sometimes to remember why I'm here.

in lieu of studying

I've been struggling to scrape together my last few remnants of self-discipline to begin studying for finals. Like I was telling Paz, it's all Matthew's fault for introducing me to LOST so close to the end of the semester... Prayer and study break-calls are always appreciated.

I was on nursery duty this morning with 5 little boys, ages two and three... basically an hour and a half of being attacked with blocks, toy food, hand puppets, and trains. Oh, and then there was little Ben, who just walked right up to me and smacked me on the bum -- for fun. What are they teaching kids these days?! I don't think I did that sort of thing back in my nursery days. Degenerate days...

Anyway. I'm dying to get back to a city, to get wedding decisions out of the way, to go shopping with my sister, to be on the other side of the counter at the coffee shop. I can't wait for summer in Baltimore and exciting research at the base (hopefully!) and Sno-Ball runs and trampoline jumping and swimming and hiking and being close to Matthew. It's going to be wonderful.

Now if I could only get through these exams.

recent flickr faves

Man oh man, flickr is distracting me alot from studying these days... there is just too much beauty waiting around to be discovered. I'm unable to resist. Some of the photos inspiring me recently:



1. Elections advertising, 2. stolen wishes midnight kisses, 3. pink + green, 4. Untitled, 5. Teal Eye, 6. bookshelf, 7. both hands, 8. day 11 of 317 (catching up), 9. so happy Tuesday morning colours., 10. Tea Time, 11. door / night, 12. all I have left, unafraid, 13. love a lavender spring.., 14. together, 15. bird.JPG, 16. it's good to look up sometimes, 17. Untitled, 18. Inked up, 19. a collection, 20. down 14th, 21. finding the ugly, 22. Wrought Iron Collage 2, 23. Spring Clean, 24. f88_Pantomime_LilyCole_VogueUKDec04_TimWalker_02, 25. lily cole

Off to bed now. Have a beautiful, restful weekend, guys!

mushroomy

I'm so, so tired right now and still not done with all the work for tomorrow's classes, but it's been a shamefully long time since I posted so I'll share with you these photos. These are some cakes I came upon earlier, via Oh Joy!

Rebecca Thuss used to be the style director at Martha Stewart Weddings and editor of Blueprint and she has a gorgeous portfolio of dessert ideas and styling. I fell in love with these two mushroom/woodland cakes as possibilities for a wedding cake design. Now if only I could talk my mom into going along with it...


Adorable! All those little meringue mushrooms...
I might like this one even better... the ferns would carry on my colors.



Anyway, that's it for tonight. This may be a dry couple weeks, what with final exams and final goodbyes and such. Hard, but good. I'm just so ready for a summer of fun in Baltimore!

brilliant color for a grey afternoon

1. a perfect window, 2. The Tangerine Guy, 3. Atai be'na3na3, 4. red bike on yellow wall, 5. door / night, 6. Spice Market, 7. Untitled, 8. jardin Majorelle_Marrakech, 9. Mellon

Can you tell I'm a little obsessed with yellow and the Middle East right now? We're studying Islam in World Religions, too! It all fits together...

(all images via Flickr)

it's harder than it looks...

...to photograph Polaroids.

So please forgive my very first feeble attempts. On the bright side, though, can I get three cheers for my sweet new Polaroid camera?? -- $1 at the Arkadelphia thrift shop and a birthday gift to boot!


My ex-roomie and very good friend Valerie was in town this weekend and spent the night Saturday night. It was lots of fun catching up and hanging out. I miss her... but she's going to be one of my bridesmaids, so we talk lots and will hopefully see each other a few more times this year.


I'm obsessed with mushrooms. I got these little guys at Target in... February? Something like that. They're little ceramic 'shrooms on stakes so you can stand them in the ground or in pots and I just love them. I don't like the shadow in this polaroid, but it was one of my very first, tentative shots with the new camera.


An attempt to capture the beautiful afternoon light filtering through my bottle collection.



And finally, here's a shot of my "green wall" of art with my new print from groundwork! Isn't it great? I can't wait to expand my Etsy print collection. The two smaller frames contain some pretty scrapbook paper (I know, I know... my art collection is in its infancy still!) and the photograph is by Irene Suchocki and wass a gift from my awesome fiance.

God Save the Queen

Happy 82nd birthday, Queen Elizabeth.

(thanks for indulging the huge Anglophile, guys.)

30 Things

Quite a while back, I signed up on this website, 43 Things. The idea is to come up with goals for yourself, things you want to do, see, or accomplish and check them off gradually. While I haven't been on in a long, long time, I stumbled across my account today and thought I'd share the current list of yet-to-be-accomplished goals for my life. (in no particular order...)

1.	stop procrastinating.
	2.	sleep under the stars
	3.	see more live music
	4.	resume journaling
	5.	Own a chocolate lab
	6.	Find out the optimum number of sleep hours in a night for me and sleep them
	7.	play outside
	8.	Be a better friend
	9.	start practicing my mandolin more
	10.	finish college and grad school
	11.	get married
	12.	Learn to tango
	13.	learn Arabic
	14.	be a missionary
	15.	adopt a child
	16.	backpack through Europe with the love of my life, staying only in hostels so we can afford to explore everything.
	17.	pray without ceasing
	18.	go to a Nickel Creek concert
	19.	visit every continent
	20.	buy a macBook
	21.	knit a sweater
	22.	Escape America
	23.	Fill the yard with Calvin and Hobbes inspired snow people, demons, and/or mutants
	24.	pull a prank involving 100 lawn gnomes
	25.	Learn to tie a maraschino cherry stem with my tongue
	26.	go bungee jumping
	27.	Be the world's best mommy
	28.	recite a Shakespeare soliloquy in front of lots of people who aren't expecting it (like in an airport terminal, or in a movie theatre line)
	29.	write more letters
	30.	Find, buy, and wear my own signature fragrance.

for some reason, I really miss Africa tonight

I miss waking up to beautiful sunrises through the leaves and eating our daily porridge out in the fresh air and, yes, even making those darn peanut butter sandwiches for lunch every day and all of the endless washing up.


I miss the banana trees and walking to the irrigation with Goshi. I miss the strong sunlight on my back.

I miss playing Uno with little Raymond.


I miss the strange, beautiful animals.


I miss walking to the river in the evening to say hello to the children fetching water. I miss playing soccer with them and learning Tonga rhymes and dancing and singing.


I miss feeling like I was really helping people and enduring hard surroundings for the sake of these people that I came to love and care for.


I miss Jesse and Erica and all the fun, insane, hard, amazing times we had together.


I miss sitting and watching the sun sink behind our very own baobab, a beautiful, ever-changing blaze of color. I miss watching for elephants to come down the mountain. I miss sharing and singing around the single light each evening.

I'll be back... someday.

God is not a Magic 8-Ball

This article made me really stop and think...

"In my life today what ultimately matters is not whether I get the right job, or pursue the right girl, or buy the right house. Certainly these are all extremely important. But what ultimately

matters is pleasing the God who saved me. My desires and plans and hopes and dreams must be shaped by the God that created and saved me. Charles Spurgeon writes in his commentary on the Psalms:

"Men who delight in God desire or ask for nothing but what will please God; hence it is safe to give them carte blanche. Their will is subdued to God's will, and now they may have what they will."

I realized that during the course of my decision I'd started spending less time reading God's Word, less time praying, less time delighting in God. And the time I did spend in Scripture was about "finding an answer," and not primarily about communing with God."

living color

I like anemones...
parrots are pretty, too.

mushy weekend

The end of last week got sort of crazy... oops. Less than a week and I'm already falling into bad blogging habits. I do have a sort of acceptable excuse in Matthew coming for the weekend. We had a lovely time and -- finally! -- lovely weather, suitable for long walks around the downtown. After I picked him up Friday, he sweetly endured a couple hours of shopping with me and took me to lunch at Star of India in Little Rock. We laid low most of the weekend and Matthew introduced me to LOST. I started Friday and am already up to episode 15...! My grades may be in peril at this rate. So we had a wonderful time and I had to drive him back to the airport this afternoon and now I'm faintly gloomy and missing him alot. Summer in Baltimore can't get here fast enough!

Anyway, more posts, pictures, and fun later this week -- I need to finish my Bioethics homework right now.

aaannnddd...

the rain is back, coming down harder than ever. It sounds like a million horses running over the roof. (So much for a romantic simile.) We get it: spring = nonstop rain... Can we move onto summer now? I'll never be one of those romantic types that loves the rain -- it just makes me kind of moody and stir-crazy.

I'm in the coffee shop tonight, tapping on my laptop in between mixing up white chocolate mochas for the few brave souls who've ventured out in the downpour. Being a barista used to be sort of glamorous and fun, but these days I long to have a job that's more meaningful and engaging than this. I don't think I'll miss the service industry one bit.

Right now, I'd rather be...

...in Santorini, walking down shadowy blue alleyways between whitewashed villas.

...riding a camel in Tunisia. (photo by Christopher Groenhout/Lonely Planet Images)

...skiing in Courchevel. (Christophe Margot for The New York Times)

Anywhere but here, really.

etsy finds of the week

Surfing Etsy is one of my most trusty methods of procrastination, so I'm going to try to put this somewhat expensive habit to good use and each week feature some of the prettiest things I've run across.

This crochet-and-mother-of-pearl necklace from Dainty Crochet by Aly is so unique and fun. She has lots of different patterns and color combinations.


I'm a little obsessed with ceramics at the moment and especially fond of this bowl/sculpture/thing from C-Urchin Ceramics.

I just ordered this Ferns giclee print from Groundwork last week. I can't wait for it to get here!


I'm terrible about writing to friends, but it would be a little easier with notecards this lovely... (Linen Note Flats from Dancing Girl Press)



And finally, I think these dreamcatchers by Nest Pretty Things are so cute and spring-timey. They remind me a little bit of Alicia's cagelets...

And that concludes our Etsy roundup. I need to finish some homework, do my pilates, and get to bed so I'll be somewhat lucid for my art test in the morning. 'night.

corners of my apartment

Some billy buttons I've had around for awhile in their new home on the windowsill. They are the cutest, sunniest little flowers.


Little vases I got at Ikea the last time I was in Baltimore and Matthew sweetly humored me with yet another trip to that glorious place.

The bathroom window. Sorry, bad light.


Closeup of my "window treatment" in the bathroom -- a Kenyan scarf I bought a few years ago.

dogwood flowers along the sidewalk

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dogwood flowers along the sidewalk, originally uploaded by queen_of_irony.

sunny saturday

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sprouting herbs, originally uploaded by queen_of_irony.

Finally, after a week of depressing rain, the sun is back! It's a good day for walking around enjoying the flowering trees, watching more Gilmore Girls, and cleaning the apartment. I need to complete my application for the Baltimore lab position, too.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and she asked me (as always) if I'd made any more progress in wedding planning. It's just too much to think about that and school and finding a job at the same time, all while trying to get enough rest to kick this mono once and for all.

I'm starting to get a sort of idea for the feel and colors I want, though. After thinking about a Moroccan theme (a la Maryam) and rejecting themes in general as sort of unworkable, I'm looking at possible colors. Enter Snippet & Ink... one of the dozens of cute wedding blogs I've discovered, but unique for its amazing color and theme inspiration boards. I'm thinking black and green and ivory at the moment... we'll see.

hi there.

hello blogging world. It's been a substantial while since my xanga petered out. Not having a blog was nice, but I missed it all the same. Partly the writing, but mostly the community and sense of connection. In the past year, I've begun silently flitting around the edge of a new blogging community -- a fun, exciting one full of artists and designers and beautiful, creative people and gorgeous pictures. But I wasn't really a member since I had nowhere to reciprocate with my own inspirations, projects, and Etsy favorites. Not anymore! I'm bellyflopping back into blogging and excited about the start of something new. A new blogging era, if you will. Here we go.