veni, vidi...

I think that continuing to try to divide my writing into serious here and un-serious elsewhere might tend to create a false impression or dichotomy of my life.  In reality, there are lots of both kinds of thoughts and I think I've decided that they all belong in one place.  Dwelling side by side can't hurt.  Besides, Tumblr is kind of a wasteland and I'd like to get away from it.

That being said, tonight I saw the corniest movie that has possibly ever been made.  Really, that statement needs no qualifiers.  It's definitely the corniest I've ever seen.  My friend Rachel got tickets to a screening of Letters to Juliet and asked if I wanted to tag along.  Agreeing with some trepidation since I generally dislike romantic comedies; I came, I saw, I predicted every plot twist well in advance.

The final straw?  The moment a Taylor Swift song began to play as the camera soared over the sunny Italian countryside.  Classic.

on past selves

Reading through my xanga posts makes me think I used to take myself less seriously.  Or was less concerned about what people on the internet would find out about me.

I think, in reality, I'm a lot less concerned about the approval of others now than at any other time in my life.  Oh, and humble, too.  Wrote the book on that.

calling

Sometimes I think about what I want to be when I grow up.  Lately, I've been thinking less in terms of career paths and more in terms of what I hope to see God accomplish in and through my life.

There are the things I can do well and seem like a natural choice.  People expect me to move forward in them.  I think that science falls into this category.  I'm at home in the lab, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to construct a future in which I continue on that career trajectory [in academia, that is] and have the family and marriage that I also desire.

Then there are the things I enjoy and wish I could pursue, but don't have enough time or opportunity right now.  Teaching ESL and learning other languages are things I pursued and enjoyed once -- and now miss.  I don't know how it all fits together.  Admitting that I have no idea might be the first step, though.

Last night - being an evening I spent alone for almost the first time in what seems like forever but was only the span of 2.5 months - I did alot of quiet, candlelit reading.  I pulled out my journal from the end of 2008, when I ended the relationship/engagement, and reread some of my thoughts from that time and scripture that spoke to me then.

I think I was able to see some of the changes the Lord has worked in my heart and life in the last year and a half as I contrasted those thoughts with the ones I have about the current situation.  Obviously, the fallout of a much longer relationship is going to be more drastic and painful than that of a very short one, but there was a difference beyond just that.  There is freedom from guilt.  Then, I spent weeks berating myself for my foolishness and taking all the blame for the end of the relationship.  Now, the deep knowledge of the gospel that has grown in me over the last year at Redeemer has allowed me to look at my sin with sorrow, but also through the lens of Christ's work in my life.  My guilt is covered by his blood and washed away.

not wasted

'Most often we do not know what that purpose is, but it is enough to know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.'

-Jerry Bridges