The Lonely Forest - 'Live There'
Hem - 'Half Acre'
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
crack the darkest sky wide open
I feel very young. Perhaps this feeling, this subjective fact, is dredged up by circumstances that I have no precedent for processing.
I do not know what I am becoming.
How does anyone know what to do next? I read this NYT article today. It contrasted a type of life lived out of an overall purpose and a corresponding allocation of time and energy to achieve that purposed thing, with an idea called 'the summoned life' wherein life is seen as unpredictable, but filled with possibility. Rather than presuming to know where one should end up, life is comprised of present situations which provide specific opportunities and the responsibility to choose what is needed and useful, both for oneself and for the world. Where are the circumstances summoning?
I think I've begun to fall more into the latter mindset, despite the uncertainty and fear it brings me. What that article failed to take into account is the role of the Spirit's work in a human heart. And that has made all the difference.
[If I were to spend less time in front of a screen, oh the things that could be done. music, books, art, beauty. some of that is inside the screens, but the taking in is too facile and the producing is crowded out.]
I do not know what I am becoming.
How does anyone know what to do next? I read this NYT article today. It contrasted a type of life lived out of an overall purpose and a corresponding allocation of time and energy to achieve that purposed thing, with an idea called 'the summoned life' wherein life is seen as unpredictable, but filled with possibility. Rather than presuming to know where one should end up, life is comprised of present situations which provide specific opportunities and the responsibility to choose what is needed and useful, both for oneself and for the world. Where are the circumstances summoning?
I think I've begun to fall more into the latter mindset, despite the uncertainty and fear it brings me. What that article failed to take into account is the role of the Spirit's work in a human heart. And that has made all the difference.
[If I were to spend less time in front of a screen, oh the things that could be done. music, books, art, beauty. some of that is inside the screens, but the taking in is too facile and the producing is crowded out.]
Monday, June 28, 2010
10 things I'd like to tell my 17 year-old self
1. Get over it. There are so many other boys in the world.
2. Take some Calculus and learn to use a graphing calculator. It will make those college classes so much easier.
3. Enjoy your mom's cooking while it lasts. College cuisine is a wasteland.
4. Keep journaling. heck, keep writing fiction.
5. Do whatever it takes to see Nickel Creek live. In a couple years, they will break up and you will kick yourself around until the end of time over never seeing a show.
6. Do not get that spiral perm. Your hair will turn very blonde and you will look freakishly odd for most of senior year.
7. Practice piano, classical and bass guitar more. You won't have much time for music once college chemistry classes are on the horizon.
8. Don't date in college. You'll have so much more time and energy to invest in being fully present there.
9. Stay in touch with old friends after they scatter across the country.
10. Ignore people who push you toward any one career, and study what you love. You don't need to be rich to be immensely happy. You can be that on a barista's budget.
p.s.
11. You will grow into your nose. in about 5 years.
2. Take some Calculus and learn to use a graphing calculator. It will make those college classes so much easier.
3. Enjoy your mom's cooking while it lasts. College cuisine is a wasteland.
4. Keep journaling. heck, keep writing fiction.
5. Do whatever it takes to see Nickel Creek live. In a couple years, they will break up and you will kick yourself around until the end of time over never seeing a show.
6. Do not get that spiral perm. Your hair will turn very blonde and you will look freakishly odd for most of senior year.
7. Practice piano, classical and bass guitar more. You won't have much time for music once college chemistry classes are on the horizon.
8. Don't date in college. You'll have so much more time and energy to invest in being fully present there.
9. Stay in touch with old friends after they scatter across the country.
10. Ignore people who push you toward any one career, and study what you love. You don't need to be rich to be immensely happy. You can be that on a barista's budget.
p.s.
11. You will grow into your nose. in about 5 years.
Monday, May 17, 2010
a list for warm months
I'm about to begin the first book on this reading list, while finishing up the 8 or so other books I seem to have found myself in at once. The goal for this summer is to concentrate on one at a time.
Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Don't Sleep, There Are Snakes: Life and Language in the Amazonian Jungle by Daniel Leonard Everett
Love in the Ruins by Walker Percy
Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle
Howards End by E.M. Forster
The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro
Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore
Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World by Tracy Kidder
I could also use additional suggestions. What do you plan to read this summer?
Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
Don't Sleep, There Are Snakes: Life and Language in the Amazonian Jungle by Daniel Leonard Everett
Love in the Ruins by Walker Percy
Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art by Madeleine L'Engle
Howards End by E.M. Forster
The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro
Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches by Russell Moore
Mountains Beyond Mountains: The Quest of Dr. Paul Farmer, a Man Who Would Cure the World by Tracy Kidder
I could also use additional suggestions. What do you plan to read this summer?
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
but wait...
Hey-oh, there's a happy ending to the shirt story! I found the exact same fabric on ebay, bought it for $10, and am going to make it myself. Now I can also afford that dentist appointment and new contacts and maybe even some glasses that fit my face and don't tilt rakishly higher on one side.
Monday, May 10, 2010
"I celebrate a theology of amazing grace, but I often react in ungrace.
And if I rest in God's control, why do I seek it for myself?
Even in moments when I think I am prepared, I end up doing what I didn't want to do."
-Paul David Tripp
For all of that talk, I can't bring myself to do it. My thrifty parents have rubbed off on me far too much, it seems. I'm going to be responsible and buy some new boxes of contacts.
Friday, May 7, 2010
on value
Last night I found myself in the position of trying to justify to some friends my desire to save up for a $150 shirt. Now, that seems like an exorbitant amount of money to pay for something that will cover a fraction of my body just as well as a $3 t-shirt from the Target clearance rack. But this shirt is special: it's designed and handmade by a blogger and designer that I've followed for years. It is one of maybe 25 garments that she produces each year. It's created in her tiny studio in a walk-up apartment in Brooklyn. It is unique and beautiful and well-made.
Thinking about this incident led me to start thinking again about the dismay I feel over the culture of disposability here and now, in the twenty-first century United States. So much of what we wear and use every day begins its life in a factory in India or China. Those low prices at the big box store tell a tale of underpaid men with families at home living on a knife's edge. One injury, one long illness, one day of being unable to bring home those few dollars, stand between them and aching hunger. These articles end up on shelves in our stores, then in our homes, where they are not valued or often cared for very well, since they were obtained so cheaply. When we tire of the clothing, we load it in bags and take it to a thrift store, where it is sorted and resold to the hipsters and homeless. The very dregs that even the thrift stores refuse make their way in giant shipping containers, 'donated' to Africa or other parts of the third world, where the clothing is almost always sold to enrich officials and other middle men. It has come full circle, almost.
There is so much that could be said about the small changes over decades that have brought us to this state. The desire to create has died out in millions of people, replaced by only the ability to consume -- media, entertainment, fast food, pop culture. It seems nearly impossible to avoid this mentality, but I would argue that it is an attitude both immoral and inappropriate, especially for Christians. We love and serve a God who invented and made every thing in the universe. He is filled with joy when we create beauty out of the things he has given us.
This has become sort of a series of meditations flowing out of one another. The point is, I want to invest in things that last, not instant, cheap gratification. I want my money to support people who are passionate and skillful in their craft, not feed into a corrupt, exploitative manufacturing system. I want to learn to make and care for and steward lasting things. I want a life that's not disposable.
Thinking about this incident led me to start thinking again about the dismay I feel over the culture of disposability here and now, in the twenty-first century United States. So much of what we wear and use every day begins its life in a factory in India or China. Those low prices at the big box store tell a tale of underpaid men with families at home living on a knife's edge. One injury, one long illness, one day of being unable to bring home those few dollars, stand between them and aching hunger. These articles end up on shelves in our stores, then in our homes, where they are not valued or often cared for very well, since they were obtained so cheaply. When we tire of the clothing, we load it in bags and take it to a thrift store, where it is sorted and resold to the hipsters and homeless. The very dregs that even the thrift stores refuse make their way in giant shipping containers, 'donated' to Africa or other parts of the third world, where the clothing is almost always sold to enrich officials and other middle men. It has come full circle, almost.
There is so much that could be said about the small changes over decades that have brought us to this state. The desire to create has died out in millions of people, replaced by only the ability to consume -- media, entertainment, fast food, pop culture. It seems nearly impossible to avoid this mentality, but I would argue that it is an attitude both immoral and inappropriate, especially for Christians. We love and serve a God who invented and made every thing in the universe. He is filled with joy when we create beauty out of the things he has given us.
This has become sort of a series of meditations flowing out of one another. The point is, I want to invest in things that last, not instant, cheap gratification. I want my money to support people who are passionate and skillful in their craft, not feed into a corrupt, exploitative manufacturing system. I want to learn to make and care for and steward lasting things. I want a life that's not disposable.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
veni, vidi...
I think that continuing to try to divide my writing into serious here and un-serious elsewhere might tend to create a false impression or dichotomy of my life. In reality, there are lots of both kinds of thoughts and I think I've decided that they all belong in one place. Dwelling side by side can't hurt. Besides, Tumblr is kind of a wasteland and I'd like to get away from it.
That being said, tonight I saw the corniest movie that has possibly ever been made. Really, that statement needs no qualifiers. It's definitely the corniest I've ever seen. My friend Rachel got tickets to a screening of Letters to Juliet and asked if I wanted to tag along. Agreeing with some trepidation since I generally dislike romantic comedies; I came, I saw, I predicted every plot twist well in advance.
The final straw? The moment a Taylor Swift song began to play as the camera soared over the sunny Italian countryside. Classic.
That being said, tonight I saw the corniest movie that has possibly ever been made. Really, that statement needs no qualifiers. It's definitely the corniest I've ever seen. My friend Rachel got tickets to a screening of Letters to Juliet and asked if I wanted to tag along. Agreeing with some trepidation since I generally dislike romantic comedies; I came, I saw, I predicted every plot twist well in advance.
The final straw? The moment a Taylor Swift song began to play as the camera soared over the sunny Italian countryside. Classic.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
on past selves
Reading through my xanga posts makes me think I used to take myself less seriously. Or was less concerned about what people on the internet would find out about me.
I think, in reality, I'm a lot less concerned about the approval of others now than at any other time in my life. Oh, and humble, too. Wrote the book on that.
I think, in reality, I'm a lot less concerned about the approval of others now than at any other time in my life. Oh, and humble, too. Wrote the book on that.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
calling
Sometimes I think about what I want to be when I grow up. Lately, I've been thinking less in terms of career paths and more in terms of what I hope to see God accomplish in and through my life.
There are the things I can do well and seem like a natural choice. People expect me to move forward in them. I think that science falls into this category. I'm at home in the lab, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to construct a future in which I continue on that career trajectory [in academia, that is] and have the family and marriage that I also desire.
Then there are the things I enjoy and wish I could pursue, but don't have enough time or opportunity right now. Teaching ESL and learning other languages are things I pursued and enjoyed once -- and now miss. I don't know how it all fits together. Admitting that I have no idea might be the first step, though.
There are the things I can do well and seem like a natural choice. People expect me to move forward in them. I think that science falls into this category. I'm at home in the lab, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to construct a future in which I continue on that career trajectory [in academia, that is] and have the family and marriage that I also desire.
Then there are the things I enjoy and wish I could pursue, but don't have enough time or opportunity right now. Teaching ESL and learning other languages are things I pursued and enjoyed once -- and now miss. I don't know how it all fits together. Admitting that I have no idea might be the first step, though.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Last night - being an evening I spent alone for almost the first time in what seems like forever but was only the span of 2.5 months - I did alot of quiet, candlelit reading. I pulled out my journal from the end of 2008, when I ended the relationship/engagement, and reread some of my thoughts from that time and scripture that spoke to me then.
I think I was able to see some of the changes the Lord has worked in my heart and life in the last year and a half as I contrasted those thoughts with the ones I have about the current situation. Obviously, the fallout of a much longer relationship is going to be more drastic and painful than that of a very short one, but there was a difference beyond just that. There is freedom from guilt. Then, I spent weeks berating myself for my foolishness and taking all the blame for the end of the relationship. Now, the deep knowledge of the gospel that has grown in me over the last year at Redeemer has allowed me to look at my sin with sorrow, but also through the lens of Christ's work in my life. My guilt is covered by his blood and washed away.
I think I was able to see some of the changes the Lord has worked in my heart and life in the last year and a half as I contrasted those thoughts with the ones I have about the current situation. Obviously, the fallout of a much longer relationship is going to be more drastic and painful than that of a very short one, but there was a difference beyond just that. There is freedom from guilt. Then, I spent weeks berating myself for my foolishness and taking all the blame for the end of the relationship. Now, the deep knowledge of the gospel that has grown in me over the last year at Redeemer has allowed me to look at my sin with sorrow, but also through the lens of Christ's work in my life. My guilt is covered by his blood and washed away.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
not wasted
'Most often we do not know what that purpose is, but it is enough to know that His infinite wisdom and perfect love have determined that the particular sorrow is best for us. God never wastes pain. He always uses it to accomplish His purpose. And His purpose is for His glory and our good. Therefore, we can trust Him when our hearts are aching or our bodies are racked with pain.'
-Jerry Bridges
-Jerry Bridges
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
some personality notes
At the suggestion of a certain boy, I re-checked my Myers Briggs type this morning and ended up doing some extensive reading about myself. I'm an INTJ and almost everything I read on this site was surprisingly accurate; it gave me some insight my plans for my own future and interactions with other people.
Related to the latter, I thought I'd post this list of weaknesses inherit to my peculiar personality, both to remind myself to be aware of these tendencies and to say, if you've been hurt or puzzled by my words or actions, I am sorry.
INTJs:
May be unaware (and sometimes uncaring) of how they come across to others
May quickly dismiss input from others without really considering it
May apply their judgment more often towards others, rather than towards themselves
May look at external ideas and people with the primary purpose of finding fault
May take pride in their ability to be critical and find fault in people and things
May have unrealistic and/or unreasonable expectations of others
May be intolerant of weaknesses in others
May be cuttingly derisive and sarcastic towards others
May have difficulty communicating their thoughts and feelings to others
Related to the latter, I thought I'd post this list of weaknesses inherit to my peculiar personality, both to remind myself to be aware of these tendencies and to say, if you've been hurt or puzzled by my words or actions, I am sorry.
INTJs:
Friday, January 15, 2010
resolute?
Well, obviously the blog posting resolution is going quite well. :ahem:
Honestly, I've been scrambling to find the time each day to take some photos, journal, and read a large-ish chunk of the Bible [in order to finish it in a year] as part of my devotions. But having made the resolutions has helped me stick with all three and I'm happy to report the first two weeks of '10 have been rather a success resolution-keeping-wise.
Also, I'm moving down to Westport next Saturday, after which transition I plan to implement the cooking-for-friends and finding-a-mentor phases of my great plan. I'm so very excited about moving into the city and all the new opportunities for relationships and ministry there. My heart has been down in that particular neighborhood for some time now.
Finally, as I've contemplate the road trip thing, I began thinking more about Don Miller's words on living good stories and what that means. I've also been thinking about trying to join a team that's going to Haiti in the coming months. Pray with me about this possibility.
Honestly, I've been scrambling to find the time each day to take some photos, journal, and read a large-ish chunk of the Bible [in order to finish it in a year] as part of my devotions. But having made the resolutions has helped me stick with all three and I'm happy to report the first two weeks of '10 have been rather a success resolution-keeping-wise.
Also, I'm moving down to Westport next Saturday, after which transition I plan to implement the cooking-for-friends and finding-a-mentor phases of my great plan. I'm so very excited about moving into the city and all the new opportunities for relationships and ministry there. My heart has been down in that particular neighborhood for some time now.
Finally, as I've contemplate the road trip thing, I began thinking more about Don Miller's words on living good stories and what that means. I've also been thinking about trying to join a team that's going to Haiti in the coming months. Pray with me about this possibility.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
I've never been one for resolutions, for planning the coming year out or trying to set out a list of aspirations. But reading some of my friends' lists this year as well as this excellent post by Donald Miller prompted me to think about what I'd like to do this coming year, not so much overarching life goals for now, but intentional things that will help me to grow in faith and love and community.
I put these things out there so that I can be held accountable, so please, ask me about them!
1. Once I've moved out (January or February, hopefully), cook dinner for friends at least once a month. Throw fun dinner parties.
2. Find an older woman to mentor me and meet with her at least twice a month.
3. Read at least two books every month. Review at least one on goodreads.com
4. Take at least one photo every day, to be added to a 365 set on Flickr. Bring my camera with me everywhere. Improve my photography significantly.
5. Read through the entire Bible this year. I haven't done it for about 5 years, going to try going the RSS feed route, suitable for lunch break reading.
6. Go on a road trip with friends; explore states and cities I've never seen. So many possibilities... Pacific Northwest, anyone?
7. Write at least one blog post a week here. I miss the discipline of writing often.
8. Start journalling again, even if it's only a few sentences each day. I've been telling myself to get serious about this for age , as I think it's a great spiritual and personal discipline. Seriously. I got a new journal for christmas; it's not leaving my bag, and I'm writing in that blasted thing.
There we go. I'm excited for this new year. 2008 was the worst year of my life, and 2009 started with alot of brokenness and loneliness. It became a year of surprising twists in my plans, learning new things, starting new chapters, meeting new friends, and finding healing & life. This new year promises so much more. Bring it, I say.
I put these things out there so that I can be held accountable, so please, ask me about them!
1. Once I've moved out (January or February, hopefully), cook dinner for friends at least once a month. Throw fun dinner parties.
2. Find an older woman to mentor me and meet with her at least twice a month.
3. Read at least two books every month. Review at least one on goodreads.com
4. Take at least one photo every day, to be added to a 365 set on Flickr. Bring my camera with me everywhere. Improve my photography significantly.
5. Read through the entire Bible this year. I haven't done it for about 5 years, going to try going the RSS feed route, suitable for lunch break reading.
6. Go on a road trip with friends; explore states and cities I've never seen. So many possibilities... Pacific Northwest, anyone?
7. Write at least one blog post a week here. I miss the discipline of writing often.
8. Start journalling again, even if it's only a few sentences each day. I've been telling myself to get serious about this for age , as I think it's a great spiritual and personal discipline. Seriously. I got a new journal for christmas; it's not leaving my bag, and I'm writing in that blasted thing.
There we go. I'm excited for this new year. 2008 was the worst year of my life, and 2009 started with alot of brokenness and loneliness. It became a year of surprising twists in my plans, learning new things, starting new chapters, meeting new friends, and finding healing & life. This new year promises so much more. Bring it, I say.
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